Being collaborative means working side by side to reach a resolution, rather than pit your points of view against each other. Seeking a deeper understanding of the other person’s point of view will allow you both to move forward towards a resolution.
When you communicate the issue, be conscious of the language you use. For example, focus on using transitions in your sentence with a phrase like “at the same time”, instead of “but”. As well, try to express how you feel, as opposed to what you think the other person feels or thinks. [3] X Research source The issue could be identified in a simple statement like: “When you use your smartphone at dinner, it bothers me,” or “It makes me uncomfortable when you talk about my mother like that. ”[4] X Research source
This could be as simple as an apology and an acknowledgement that you made a mistake or are cultivating a bad habit like using your smartphone at the dinner table. Of course, this is a two way conversation, so the other person should also be willing to take responsibility for their actions and words, and apologize for responding angrily.
Ask each other questions like: “What must change or happen to meet your needs?” “What can we both do to not argue about this issue again?” For example, if you struggle with your friend’s smartphone at the table during dinner, suggest limiting their smartphone use to before or after dinner. Or if you take offense to the way your partner talks about your mother, discuss the issues your partner has with your mother and how you can both work to minimize these issues together.
So if you struggle with your friend’s smartphone use, agree to times before and after dinner where they are free to use their phones. Or if you have an issue with the way your partner talks about your mother, be open to discussing why your partner talks about your mother in a certain way, and consider a solution where your partner spends less time around your mother.
Now that you’ve had a healthy discussion about your relationship, it’s important to reward yourselves by enjoying each other’s company, so go out for dinner, watch a movie together, or have another drink. [9] X Research source In fact, science has shown that the old adage, “don’t go to bed angry” proves true, so don’t settle for holding a grudge or withholding your forgiveness, and instead go to bed or leave the discussion with a strong sense of reconciliation and resolution.
Avoid folding your arms over your chest or rolling your eyes. You want to appear open and engaged in the discussion, as opposed to cold or defensive.
You want to be sure you and the other person are starting from an emotionally light zone before venturing into the possibly more sensitive discussion about the argument.
Talk with the other person about avoiding swear words or name calling. As well, discuss the importance of not cutting each other off or interrupting each other. Stress the importance of respecting each other’s point of view and being mindful of each other’s feelings.
Depending on how intense the argument is and how good you are at tempering your emotions in the moment, you may feel comfortable with resuming the discussion with the other person once you take a moment to try to calm down. Another approach may be to physically step away from the argument. Let the other person know you need a timeout or time away from the argument. Once you inform them you need to take a break, go into another room, excuse yourself from the table, or head out for a long walk or run. [15] X Research source An argument is a time of heightened emotions, so physically distancing yourself from the situation can help to put your emotions into perspective. But it’s essential you let the other person know you need a time away to sort out your thoughts and emotions, and never simply storm off or walk out of the room with no explanation or promise to return to resolve the argument. [16] X Research source
If an argument does reach a high 10 on the anger scale, and things are said that you or the other person will likely regret saying later, it’s important to think about how this conflict will affect your relationship with this person. For partners who don’t fight often, forgiveness may be the best way to resolve the argument, especially if it has escalated to a very angry or hurtful level. [18] X Research source Keep in mind that the idea of “fighting fair” is mostly an oxymoron in a relationship, like “jumbo shrimp” or “military intelligence”. [19] X Research source A fight usually begins on uneven or unfair ground for both parties, so even if it does escalate to very angry levels, it’s important to work towards forgiveness rather than holding a grudge or being passive aggressive about your anger.
You can write down your feelings in a journal or diary. You can also try to listen to music to calm down and focus on processing your emotions. Another option might be talking aloud to yourself in an empty room or space.
For example, a good friend, another family member, or professional help like a counselor, a therapist, or a spiritual guide. [21] X Research source
Think about how the other person may be feeling as a result of the argument. Consider if anything you said or did towards them could have acted as a trigger for their anger. Place yourself on the receiving end of your anger and think about how angry or upset you would be if you were in their position. [23] X Research source
