Saying yes is great in theory, but often causes problems if we say yes to more than we can manage. To be more assertive, you’ll need to change the way you interact with people. Don’t worry—this gets easier with practice![5] X Expert Source Christy Irvine, PhDLicensed Clinical Psychologist Expert Interview. 9 April 2021.
Saying no reinforces healthy boundaries, which lets you effectively care for others while you take care of yourself. [6] X Research source Gartrell, MD. , N. (2008). My answer is no, if that’s ok with you: How women can say NO and (still) feel good about it. Free Press: New York. [7] X Expert Source Christy Irvine, PhDLicensed Clinical Psychologist Expert Interview. 9 April 2021.
For example, say your mom asks you in February, “Are you coming to town for the holidays this year?” Respond with something like, “Well, we haven’t even thought about it yet. We’re not sure if we can get the time off work. Let’s talk about it again in September, okay?”
For example, imagine a friend asks you to write a letter of reference for their family member. You can say something like, “I don’t really know your family member very well and wouldn’t feel comfortable writing as if I do. ”[12] X Research source Gartrell, MD. , N. (2008). My answer is no, if that’s ok with you: How women can say NO and (still) feel good about it. Free Press: New York.
For example, if your boss asks you to take on another project, don’t simply say that you can’t fit it into your current workload. Instead, say something like, “I’m working on a project due next week and the project that we’re presenting next month. How much time can you give me to complete this project?”
For example, if you’re refusing an invitation, you could say, “That sounds like a great (opportunity/event/project) for someone else, but it doesn’t suit me. I hope you (have fun/find someone else). "
You may start out by refusing and giving an explanation like, “I know you really want to meet up this weekend, but I’ve already made plans that I need to keep. " If the person continues to pester you, try keeping your responses brief, but firm.
For example, you could say to your friend, “I know you are in a tight spot financially. I really value our friendship, but friends and loans just do not get along. Is there some other way I can help out?” Or, “I just don’t have the extra cash myself to lend. If I could give you the money, I would. ”
Don’t feel obligated to donate to every request. Chances are, you’re focusing on your time, business, or finances. Say yes to projects that you really can or want to commit to. [18] X Research source
For example, you might say, “No, you can’t spend the night at your friend’s house during the school week. I don’t want you to be too tired for class the next day. I know you’re frustrated, but you can always spend the night over the weekend. "
For example, you might say, “I really wish I could babysit for you this week, but I’ve got a really big work deadline and a family obligation. " Be clear and honest. Don’t lie, which could hurt your relationship in the long run.
If you just went on the date and have been asked to go on another one, you should be as honest, but gentle as you can. Try saying something like, “I enjoyed this evening, but I don’t think you and I are a good fit. " Cut the conversation short once you’ve turned someone down. Most likely, neither of you will be happy trying to spend time together immediately afterward.
Don’t assume that your partner will pick up on your lack of enthusiasm and simply stop. You need to be clear.
Say, “I’m uncomfortable with your constant asking, so I’m going to have to say no. " Tell your friend or partner that the behavior is making you sad or upset. Turn down requests to spend time together. Don’t get invested in the opinion of a stranger or acquaintance. If you can, stop seeing the person completely.
This advice applies to someone in a serious relationship with you. If someone you only started dating proposes, gently say “That’s sweet, but it’s way too early. " If someone proposes to you in public, prevent embarrassment by keeping the moment short and sweet. Try “I love you, and I want to talk about it in private. " Don’t create a big scene or dramatic refusal.
